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This is the question my son Aiden habitually asks. It’s great because I’d been teaching my twin boys words like frustration, exasperated, bewildered and even annoyed. I selected these words because they described my emotional state at the time they began learning two basic emotions: happy and sad. Unfortunately, those two emotions rarely captured what I felt. So, I expanded their vocabulary. And as children will do they began to ask, “Daddy, are you frustrated?” And I would reply, “Yes!” It felt good that I could teach my sons to more accurately capture my emotional state. However, I was blind to two things: 1) I was showing a great deal “anger” related emotions and 2) I was teaching my sons that “anger” was more prevalent in my life than “happiness.” So, a couple of months ago I tuned into Aiden constantly asking am I happy - a question which was mostly posed when I was mad because one or both of my sons had done something “wrong.” I will return to this concept of being “wrong” shortly. I became so aware of his inquiry that it began to annoy and frustrate me. And I started snapping at him, asking him why he kept ask me that question. In my arrogance, I thought, how dare a child ask me, an “adult” if I’m happy. Here’s something else I missed-I WASN’T HAPPY! I was taking on the “pains” of parenting and holding on to the pain associated with my children’s “wrong doings.” Please understand I’m not talking about children who jump off of furniture, throw tantrums, talk back, curse, break things, set things on fire, refuse to go to sleep, are disobedient-no I’m talking about five-year-olds who as they develop make “mistakes” another word I’ll say more about shortly. Children who because of their accurate interpretation of my “angered-state” wanted to hide their mishaps because they didn’t want to see my angered countenance. Let’s be real, like many children my son’s want to please me and to see me frown or utter words that promote “guilt” and “shame” are not their idea of a “happy” time. Two weeks ago I returned from a seven day spiritual trip. I didn’t go to a mountain top, or a spa or a spiritual retreat center. I jumped on a plane and flew to a beach where I could lay in the sun and let my “inner-child” tune into my God-voice and determine what I would do and when I would do it without debating with my “adult-self.” What an experience. What a breakthrough! I got it! GOD was asking me about my happiness or lack of it. Happiness is the very thing I’ve been committed to experiencing with greater frequency. And for me, as with others I know, parenting can bring about some challenging even overwhelming moments. What became clear was I was “punishing” my sons for being “wrong.” When in reality they merely make “mistakes” which call for “correction.” Boy did this revelation shift my way of thinking about parenting. Additionally, I was immediately released from my childhood experiences of doing the “wrong” thing. When this “ah-ha” moment hit I smiled and had experienced joy and happiness which are with me as I type this blog. I looked forward to coming home, sitting down with Marshall and Aiden and sharing. So, let’s fast forward to ten days ago, when I said, “Aiden thank you for allowing God to speak through you and make me aware of my anger. Daddy apologizes for having you both feel guilty or shameful when you would do something “bad.” So, starting right now I will not say you did something “bad.” I will say you made a mistake which needs to be corrected. Now you won’t have to feel like you did anything bad or that either of you is a bad person. And daddy won’t show anger because I won’t need you to be perfect.” With that my sons hugged me and smiled. And since that time, I have over heard them using the words mistake and correction. They have also come to me with greater frequency to tell me about their mistakes. My responses are calmer, my face isn’t scrunched up and I’m not replaying the incident. This allows me to ask them how to correct their mistake and most times they know or provide correction with a smile and a hug or High-5. WHAT A HUGE DIFFERNCE in their reaction to my response. So, from my son’s to you, I ask you a simple childlike question, ARE YOU HAPPY? Happiness is a choice! It’s about reframing the meaning or interpretation given to past events so that you can see them in the light of LOVE! ARE YOU HAPPY? If yes, celebrate! If no, get clear about why. Being unhappy is to experience resistance, pain, stress, even despair! If your answer is no, what do you need to forgive? Who do you need to forgive? When will you forgive? Forgiveness is essential to the experience of happiness. Forgiveness releases us from our attachments to people, old thoughts, behaviors, unresolved issues, old self-concepts, and old hurts! You can choose to feel happy at this very moment and you may not need to fly to the beach to get clear. Sure my “shift” is less than three weeks old. However, my desire to feel and express happiness is stronger than my desire to live from a place of pain and hurt. Remember, I said earlier that I’d already made a commitment to experience happiness with greater frequency. And yes, I’m back in parenting mode and I’m still allowing Lil’ Bobby to guild my experience. He reminds me that my son’s simply make mistakes and they need guidance and loving correction not punishment and alienation. The same thing Lil’ Bobby needs. Three days ago Lil’ Bobby encouraged me to share my breakthrough with my mother and my ex-wife to ensure the boys experience “correction” rather than “punishment” in those relationships. The idea was warmly received. As a matter of fact, they reflected on their own emotional state and use of words-WOW! So, if your answer to the question is no, I invite you to identify the ways in which you punish yourself! What would life be like for you RIGHT NOW if you freed yourself from guilt and shame? What would it be like not to judge yourself? While on the beach, I began to notice the number of judgments I made in just 10 minutes-INCREDIBLE! I continue to monitor my judgments. Remember, my anger towards my sons was the manifestation of my judgments: You are wrong, you are bad, get it right, you make me look bad, and you inconvenience me with your wrong-doings. Those were my judgments and stemmed from my childhood. Now, I immediately offer my judgments up to God for healing, clarification and/or meaning. This prevents me from making up things in my head which would only serve to reinforce old beliefs and hurts. Since, I believe God is all knowing and that my attempts at knowing more than God has never worked, I now give my thoughts to Him and wait for a response. My stress level has dropped tremendously. The numbers of conversations I have with myself have been reduced significantly. My energy has increased and so has my patience and understanding. All of this contributes to my state of happiness. In choosing to let go of the anger I uncover happiness. Twelve years ago my anger was apparent to my father who instructed me to let go of my anger and be God’s man. Keep in mind, the judgments we render about others reflect the things about ourselves we don’t like, haven’t forgiven, haven’t dealt with or may not be aware of. My judgments blocked my happiness, creativity, peace and my ability to fully receive and give love. My judgments also blocked correction and hinder change. What’s blocking your happiness? What’s blocking the happiness of your family and friends? Are the people closest to you happy? Typically we associate or hang with people who think and act the way we do. If you are not happy, do you really want to be? And if you are leading others, what might they think and feel when they look into the face and see someone who is REGULARLY frustrated, exasperated, bewildered and annoyed? What do they make up about you? What do they make up about themselves? You are responsible for you happiness!Not the truth-Just a thought! I welcome yours! Okay! This is a thought that is true!Share the gift you are with the world! (1Peter 4:10)(After Thought: The message in church today was entitled, “Be completely open to correction and change!” There are no accidents.)       

For the past year or two, I’ve been saying the product of leadership is relationships! It’s taken me the better part of 41 years of living to understand that healthy relationships are about understanding the other persons needs, emotions and weaknesses; sharing with them the same and then doing what it takes to help the other meet their needs without losing sight of your own.Leaders who possess a servant’s heart understand in order to dream about, create and sustain loving relationships they must pull the weeds that remove the minerals from the ground in which the flowers of love grow. What are some possible minerals absorbed by the weeds? Forgiveness, trust, creativity, authenticity, spirituality, fun, spontaneity, freedom, uniqueness, hope, optimism, openness, intimacy, focus, vision, fairness, honesty, loyalty, empathy, and even integrity. Leaders come to know that these weeds choke the life from the human flowers we desire to nurture. Pulling weeds is another way to say we get to let go of those things in our lives that choke the life out of our dreams and even prevent us from dreaming at all. I saw the move Australia tonight. There’s a scene where the main adult male character is attempting to control his experience of love by running from it. His female counterpart also attempts to control love by placing conditions on the man she loves and the little boys she wants to adopt. So, I was hit with an “ah ha” moment! I haven’t been dreaming about love in recent months! Like the main characters in the movie, I’ve been controlling my experience to prevent being hurt again and hurting someone else and being vulnerable and exposed to the uncertainties of relationships. Control and fear are my weeds. I allow them to invade my human garden. As a matter of fact, I’ve been water my weeds and give them more attention than the dream and hope of love! I can now recall a friend asking me about two months ago when I was I going to love again! WOW! So, there I was in a theater crying, looking at the screen and thinking about how I’ve stopped dreaming about building a loving relationship for myself. Hell! I’ve even had moments when I neglected to fully dream about creating a nurturing relationship with myself! I can’t recall the last time I had a clear thought about a singular loving relationship that I could nurture with dance, song, hope, laughter, kisses and hugs! A relationship that promotes life-what a novel idea! Now, I’m clear that I’ve been in “W.E.E.D. (Worry, Excuses, Exclusion, and Depression) Maintenance Mode” rather than “L.O.V.E. (Life, Optimism, Vulnerability, and Expression) Maintenance Mode.” Spending more time thinking about what love shouldn’t be and little time on what it could be!If I’m controlling my dream about love in my personal life, what impact does that have on my friendships, family, sons and those charged to my care? I get that what I do in one area of my life shows up in all. As a leader, I now have an opportunity to locate and remove the weeds that choke the life out of my relationships. Again, leadership is about building relationships and helping others take action on those things they say matter. So, how can I help others create and or live a vision of hope if weeds are choking the life out of their visions and dreams? Perhaps the difficulty in maintaining healthy relationships has everything to do with pulling weeds or not pulling them. Once they’re gone beautiful things emerge like new ideas, hopes, opportunities, relationships, realizations, dreams, vision and even blogs. Simply writing this entry helps the process of pulling weeds. Today, I’m making room for some beautiful and vibrant dreams to grow. And I invite you to look into your garden of relationships and locate the weeds. Here’s a tip! Get down on your knees so you are in a humble position to “see” your weeds. To many times, we stand “over” our relationships and rule them. Perhaps we need more “knee time” while pulling weeds and dreaming about love!This isn’t the truth-just a thought! I welcome yours!Share the gift you are with the world! (1Peter 4:10)

We are hours away from electing a new President and the air is thick with anticipation, eagerness, excitement, concern, cautious optimism and prayer. Go back a few months and the question posed was is McCain ready? Is Obama experienced enough? While I agree that our Presidential Candidates should posses some understanding of our military, economy, health-care, global and domestic relations and posses the ability to reach “across the isle” to create bi-partisan agreements I also think the Presidency is an “on the job” experience with an incredible learning curve. So, who is really ready to answer the call to become a President when they first enter office? I think both John McCain and Barack Obama are answering such a call. Additionally, I am clear they both possess strengths and weaknesses which can support voting for or against either! In a recent Time Magazine Article “temperament” was a criteria worth considering when selecting a President. Perhaps, the notion that a candidate is ready is truly subjective. For example, what if we all agreed that candidate “X” is the best prepared (ready) to lead our country and after one or two months or years in office it’s clear we are wrong. Did our criteria or rationale for selecting someone who is “ready” or “experienced” lead us astray? Nixon was for many the right man however, his character and integrity were called into question. Clinton wasn’t supposed to be the right person to answer the call. However, lower, middle and upper class fared well for several years. And we know his character and integrity were called into question. So, what makes us the voters so certain we know who is suited to “answer the call?” Were they infact the “right” people to answer the call? What made Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt or Moses the right people to answer their calls? Perhaps, there are occasions when we say someone’s not ready because we’ve overlooked their skills, abilities and experiences? Maybe we’re looking for a reason to discount them? Maybe someone told us we aren’t ready to answer the call in our lives and we knowingly or unknowingly project that message onto another? Clearly there are times when we are right. Some people aren’t ready to answer the call and need to let the phone ring or let someone else answer? But there lies the rub! If the phone rings and YOU don’t pick it up and nobody else wants to “answer the call” when does change occur? When do we stand on the courage of our convictions? When do we take a stand? When do we become the change we want to see in our world? Both candidates want and are committed to creating change! I applaud them for picking up the phone. I applaud their V.P. choices for picking up their phones. I wonder how many of us would be willing to put our butts out for the whole of America to smack with wet towels of insolence, insult, indifference, ignorance and fear? When was the last time you answered the call to make a difference or “step up” and you were fully supported? All were in agreement with you? And all had kind and nurturing words of encouragement? This fear of isolation and retribution is evident in the conversations I have with teachers, students, law enforcement and those who either answer the call or are fearful of taking such a call. Just for a moment, I invite human-beings in general, Americans in particular to suspend our political position and ask ourselves, if I had to serve me how would I feel? What would I think about myself? Am I ready to answer the call to lead my family, to speak out against injustices in the workplace, to speak out for the voiceless, to speak truth to power in my church, community, government? After answering these questions with humility reconnect and reexamine our subjective criteria for those who dare to “answer the call!” Then ask how can I serve those who do step up and out on faith?

Not a truth-Just a thought! I welcome yours!

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